


I'm carrying my heart (but it's made of stone)

by lesbiangeekspiral



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-10
Updated: 2015-07-10
Packaged: 2018-04-08 16:03:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4311555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbiangeekspiral/pseuds/lesbiangeekspiral
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loosely based on this quote "She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn’t supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something."  or just a mess of clexa angst</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm carrying my heart (but it's made of stone)

Lexa first notices Clarke with her hands stained red and her eyes wet with tears and Lexa’s own heart still beats _Costia, Costia, Costia_ like it’s the only thing keeping her standing. Clarke kills Finn and it so painfully reminds Lexa of herself that she forgets how to breathe. There are screams from the Skaikru camp as it erupts into chaos, but Clarke holds her ground. And when Indra tries to kill her, she looks more relieved than anything, to be punished for her crime just as Finn was, but Lexa stops them because she can’t stop looking at her. She holds her breath as the Skaikru pushes through, ushering Clarke away from what she has done. Her lungs hold _Clarke_ in but her heart still beats _Costia_ so she finally breathes out, the moment passes and they move on. 

The first time Lexa’s heart beats Clarke she’s holding her arm in pain and she’s accepted death but Clarke is still fighting to keep them alive and Lexa’s never seen anyone so _broken_ yet so determined to stay alive. Her people called for war so she declared peace and allied herself with Lexa and the enemy and again Lexa was reminded of herself but this time her heart hurt instead of her lungs. They’re locked in a room and there’s no way they are both getting out, but Clarke rips up her shirt and makes her way over to Lexa hands shaking but voice strong. “This is gonna hurt” she says quietly before grabbing Lexa’s arm and sets it back into place. Lexa only allows herself to clench her teeth in pain because she is _Heda_ and she shouldn’t feel pain (according to the elders, but they’ve never had to be a god in human form). Clarke’s hands still shake but Lexa doesn’t mention it because she understands what it’s like to almost die and Clarke is unpracticed in this as she once was. It isn’t until much later, after “I was wrong” and “your heart shows no sign of weakness” that Clarke thinks of an idea to stop Mt. Weather and she actually _smiles_ and it’s the first time Lexa’s ever seen it and it makes her thumping heart race _ClarkeClarkeClarke_ before returning back to _Costia_ and Lexa wonders if two names beating in her veins will kill her. 

The first time Clarke feels like home Lexa can’t _find_ her. The bomb dropped on Ton DC and Clarke ran off right before to save her mother and Lexa’s ears are ringing and she needs to find Clarke. The screams are unbearable and the smell is even worse and Lexa just pushes pushes _pushes_ it all down until her lungs don’t feel like the whole world lies on them. Her eyes scan the haze for blonde, angry at herself for not stopping Clarke, helplessly watching as she runs away. Clarke ignored her warning and ran straight back for her mom, leaving Lexa alone wondering what it’s like to love someone that much. (Costia still envelops her entire being, but Costia is dead and Lexa can’t save her). Suddenly out of the clearing Clarke appears and Lexa let’s out a sigh of relief, except it doesn’t last long because Clarke is stumbling back to camp, feet unsteady. It takes “Clarke, Clarke, CLARKE!” to shake her out of her trance, her name sounding more and more like a prayer. Her blue eyes are filled with tears and it’s the closest thing to home Lexa has felt in a long time and in that moment nothing else matters but Clarke. The world is on fire and the sky is red with blood of the dead, but everything is okay because Clarke is _here._

Lexa tastes Clarke for the first time when emotions are running high and Clarke tells her “I can see right through you” and out of nowhere Lexa whispers “not everyone, not you” and it changes everything. Clarke is so _angry_ , and Lexa has seen her like this before but it was never directed at her. Clarke pulls and pulls emotions out of Lexa that she spent years stamping down, and it happens so fast it scares her. Clarke leaves with a threat sharp on her tongue and Lexa’s heart beating wildly in her chest. There are tears pooling in her eyes and she uses all her energy to keep them from falling. She sends for Clarke almost immediately, wanting to apologize, but the time it takes for her to come back makes Lexa wonder if she’s even going to show up at all. Clarke looks at her with soft eyes as she whispers “I do trust you” and she’s trying to think of anything but kissing her but Clarke replies with “don’t we deserve better than that” and suddenly Lexa doesn’t think about her actions for once in her life and she kisses Clarke. Lexa’s never seen space, but she swears she can see galaxies behind her eyes and can taste stars on her lips. Clarke tastes like something too good to be true. 

Lexa first realizes she loves Clarke when promises are quickly being broken and Clarke looks at her like she’s a stranger. “Your _commander_ ” slashes Lexa’s heart in two, bleeding out _Costia_ and _Clarke_ , seeping into her bones and filling her with love lost and never to be, but she is _Heda_ now and _Heda_ can’t feel pain, so she breathes breathes _breathes_ in until her lungs fill with blood and smoke and sweat. Lexa forces herself to watch Clarke lose all faith in her and she can do nothing about it. She can say nothing, not when her guards are surrounding her and her people flooding out of the door. Clarke looks angry and heartbroken and utterly destroyed, and Lexa has never seen her more beautiful. Outside of this moment, people are celebrating the return of loved ones or plotting against her, but Lexa can only focus on Clarke. “Please don’t do this” is followed by “I’m sorry” and Lexa turns and leaves, her head telling her she did the right thing but her heart screaming _Clarke_ and Lexa finally realizes that she only needs one name in her veins to kill her.


End file.
